Brace yourself my friends. Once you are totally out to everyone including on your social media, prepare yourself for questions like, “So you are married to a transgender woman? Are you staying with her? What is your sex life like now?” and, my all time favorite, “Has she gotten surgery yet?” I am not sure in what universe people think it is acceptable to ask such personal questions, but I try to be a good sport about it. After all, I am an open book here in this universe. So if the question is not too personal, I try to answer as best I know how then follow up with a little etiquette lesson. I let them know that transgender folks and their partners get offended by such questions. So try to be respectful when meeting and talking to other people like me.
“Hearing the words ‘I am transgender’ was never on our list of things to do together.”
For over ten years I went to bed and woke up next to a man whose face I could describe to you with my eyes closed. The day we got married I knew that he would be by my side until the end of my days on earth. It was a feeling that I never experienced in my first marriage. It was pure bliss knowing that I had this amazing man who loved and accepted me with all my craziness. And, anyone who knows me can tell you that I am well stocked in the crazy department. I am not even sure I can adequately represent to you in words what that kind of security feels like. We knew each other inside out and despite any shortcomings we were perfect in one another’s eyes. Hearing the words “I am transgender” was never on our list of things to do together.
For years I watched as my spouse fell in and out of depression. “Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is,” she would say to me and there was nothing I could do to help her. Nothing I could say to improve the quality of her life. Feeling alone and helpless in your own marriage is awful. Until she became aware of what it was and let those words pass through her lips, nothing that I said was valid or even helpful for that matter. Following that awakening is when the real work started. I watched as the man that I loved and lived with for years melted away before my eyes. Each and every day there was something new and I was committed to assist and support her in any and every way I knew how.
“How can any partner who claims to truly love their spouse, stop them from transitioning?”
The first thing to go was the body hair, and then we tweezed her eyebrows, added to that some make-up, and I could see her peeking out at me. After a few months on hormones her body started to take shape and her old clothes no longer fit properly. As her spouse, it was a bittersweet transformation to witness. She began to smile more and I could tell she finally felt at home in her own skin. Her happiness was contagious and I could sense contentment. How can any partner who claims to truly love their spouse, stop them from transitioning? How can they shut the doors to utopia on a person they claim to care so much about? The challenges are real. Dysphoria is a bitch, and some people are just plain ignorant. But somehow, every day we forge forward.
We all hope to obtain a deep loving connection with one special person in our life. We want to love hopelessly and feel that in return. To have a connection between two souls that cannot be described using the English language. To share a desire that is so secret that we never reveal its true nature. Yes, I am married to a transgender woman and although some days are harder than others, I would not have it any other way. Somehow she has taught me to love on a deeper level. To be so venerable as to let another person into the tiniest crevices of your mind is somehow freeing, and the process has brought us closer together. I am proud of her courage and her strength. I am proud of her spirit and the beautiful person she is inside and out. And, I am proud to say that she is my wife and yes, she is transgender.
